From Carnivals to Entrepreneurship: A Dive into Heather Claus' Colourful and Inspiring Journey

We're thrilled to welcome the extraordinary Heather Klaus, aka Nookie, who has an array of life experiences that are as colorful as they are inspiring. Hitchhiking across the country, joining the carnival, becoming a successful author and entrepreneur, her journey is a testament to resilience, self-love, and the power of the human spirit. Together, we peel back the layers of her story, from her time as a carney to her unexpected experiences with ADHD.

Heather shares her challenges and triumphs, dropping bombshells about her life as a carney, her neurodivergent identity, and the story behind her failed app, 'Nookie Notes.' Yet, Heather proves that setbacks are merely stepping stones to fresh opportunities, as she candidly shares how she transformed her obstacles into victories. We also discuss her book, 'Take No Shit,' her website, 'datingkinky,' and the importance of setting boundaries - all incredibly enlightening insights into her life and philosophy.

Our chat takes an unexpected turn as we delve into Heather's experiences with ADHD. Heather reveals how she managed her ADHD with lists before turning 30, and the surprising ways her brain changed after undergoing surgeries. We also discuss the impact of the lack of estrogen on her brain, affecting her ability to focus, and the need for kindness towards neurodivergent individuals. Every moment with Heather is a treasure trove of wisdom and inspiration. If you're ready to be motivated and moved, join us for this unforgettable episode with Heather Klaus.

Make sure to check out Heather's website http://my.curiouser.life/ AND get her new book "Take No Sh*t" here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CGSZ78NL

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Are you saying you faked with me?

Speaker 2: 0:02

Yeah, I just can't say oh.

Speaker 1: 0:07

Oh, oh, so cool, I can't wrong now you're single.

Speaker 3: 0:10

What do you know about sexual relations? Is it true that if you don't use it, you use it?

Speaker 2: 0:16

I'm a little worried about being a slut. You're listening to the Come With Us podcast Talking the good, the kinky and the ugly. Here are your hosts, beth and Erin.

Speaker 3: 0:28

Hello, hello, hello. All you sexy poles and poles, welcome to Come With Us podcast. We know the sexy stuff matters as much as the lovey-dovey stuff and we're here to help you get all the pleasure you deserve. Today we've got a very special guest. I love it. I mean, her nickname is Nookie, if that doesn't give you some idea. This is a very interesting woman with very interesting stories. I think you're going to find them quite entertaining. She's already made me like just drop my mouth in shock and surprise, so it's going to be exciting Her name is.

Speaker 3: 1:00

Heather Klaus. I know, right, exactly, it really is. So I'm excited. But, yeah, she definitely surprised me with something I'd never heard. So it's Heather Klaus. Her friends call her Nookie. Hopefully that's what we'll be able to do. She is incredibly curious. Her website is mycurioserlife. She's an entrepreneur, a lover of life, an avid reader, a hiker, cancer survivor, traveler, a cook so much more and she's got ADHD. And she has written a book called Take no Shit. Take no Shit All About Setting Boundaries, which all of us can learn a lot. So, thank you, thank you, thank you, heather. I'm so glad that you're here to join us today. Erin and I are really looking forward to this. And, oh my goodness, you've also got a website that are dating Kinky that we're going to talk about too. But so much that you've done. But you're not a licensed therapist, you're a coach like me, right? Yeah?

Speaker 4: 2:04

yeah, I think that. I mean, from my perspective, therapy is like. It requires somebody who has the knowledge of like, helping you put the pieces back together from your past. Right, like, and I'm not pretending to do that. What I'm really good at is looking at who you want to be in the future and those steps to get there.

Speaker 3: 2:30

Oh, I love it Alright. Well, so tell me, you didn't just come out of college and decide to be a therapist, like some people do. So how the hell did you get from I don't know from there to here? Let's just dive in what did you do?

Speaker 4: 2:44

Did you go to?

Speaker 3: 2:45

college. What did you study?

Speaker 4: 2:47

Okay, so there we go. So I went to college, but prior to that I dropped out of high school and I hitchhiked across the country and joined the carnival. Oh my gosh, I traveled with the carnival for a season and then I came back and I went to work in a kitchen and I thought I was going to be a chef for a while, and then I went to school for graphics, art and design and fashion design, and then I dropped out of college because I'd started a business teaching people online. This was back in 1996. I wrote a book and I started a business teaching people online, all about sewing and fashion design, and I did that for 10 years while I had a marriage that ended up being abusive and so, coming out of that, I started looking for ways to like not do that again. Zero out of five stars would not recommend. Found another relationship went exactly the opposite was bored to tears.

Speaker 3: 4:10

I call it BMS boring married sex.

Speaker 4: 4:13

Yeah, yeah, and it wasn't. You know, we didn't get married or anything, and he was an amazing human, but not adventurous in the ways that I'm adventurous and not really like willing to go out and squeeze the juice out of life.

Speaker 3: 4:28

I've only known you a short period of time, right, like 30 minutes, right Except that I've been reading about you and started your book. But what are you not adventurous about?

Speaker 4: 4:38

Radishes. Okay, I can't get rid of that. Not adventurous there at all. There you go. Okay, there's other things I mean like there's. I think we all have our hard limits right, our non-compromisables. There are certain things that I am just not even interested in, but most of life I'm like okay, you know, I'll try it once, twice, maybe even twice, and see how it happens. Just this morning we were talking in the gym about skydiving. I love skydiving, I've done it twice and I'd like to do it again. You know things like that.

Speaker 3: 5:15

Yeah, I feel like we have a lot in common, quite frankly, not to mention the ADHD, which we're also going to talk about. But, yeah, okay, this is good, and I always wanted to join the circus.

Speaker 4: 5:28

It was, I mean, and so like I didn't actually, like I wasn't upclass, like the circus, I was in the carnival, like the little you know, like county fairs and stuff, the people that go to those and set up the rides and run the games and stuff.

Speaker 4: 5:42

Oh wow, that's a much harder life, even, and honestly, like I was 15 when I joined I turned 16 in the carnival I thought this is going to be like a big party, right, like this is. You know, I was going to be on the road, I was going to be so cool. I was the youngest, I was the only girl and I ended up with 22 older brothers.

Speaker 3: 6:05

Wow.

Speaker 4: 6:06

Having to call my mom every Sunday just to check in. They made me call her before I got a tattoo and she said, no, like it was, like I had fun, don't get me wrong. But it was not the fun I thought I was going to be having being on the road with, like you know, the wild boys, because the wild boys took it upon themselves to make sure that I didn't come to any harm, which is good in retrospect. At the time I was a little disappointed, right, you know. But now I look back and I'm like you know I have lived a blessed life because much, much awful things could have happened.

Speaker 1: 6:39

Yeah, you could have woken up without, like, a kidney or something like that just randomly.

Speaker 4: 6:43

Without a life. I don't know they made you call your mom.

Speaker 2: 6:45

What did your?

Speaker 1: 6:45

mom think or say when you said hey, I'm joining the carnival, see ya.

Speaker 4: 6:50

So it didn't quite happen like that. See, what had to happen was so we had moved and I ended up in a new school in Iowa and all of a sudden, like I was retaking classes I'd already taken, they had no method for me to step forward and I was bored to tears. So I started skipping school and hanging out at the public library and eventually I got kicked out of school because I wasn't there enough.

Speaker 3: 7:22

And.

Speaker 4: 7:22

I was like, okay, this is boring, so let's go adventuring. So Fred and I put our heads together like let's hitchhike across the country. So we started doing that and we ended up in this little town.

Speaker 1: 7:32

Your parents were quiet, or did you just run?

Speaker 4: 7:33

away. So I ran away. I mean, I didn't mean to run away, I was just. I wasn't like running away from my mother.

Speaker 1: 7:45

My parents were like, but I was just looking for adventure.

Speaker 4: 7:50

Weren't you terrified hitchhiking?

Speaker 3: 7:52

Like was your friend a boy or girl A?

Speaker 4: 7:54

boy, but also so this comes into like mental health and stuff. So I was diagnosed some years ago with ASPD, which these days I would probably be put more into the EDD empathy deficit disorder category. So like the same sort of ranges like sociopaths and psychopaths, I don't have natural empathy, wow. So I also did not have healthy fear reactions to things.

Speaker 3: 8:27

Yes, okay, that makes sense, cause you're smart, and, yeah, for a young or old.

Speaker 4: 8:33

And yet naive. I was definitely naive, for sure, like, but again, let a charmed life, no harm, came to me, not good, not good. We ended up in a town, in fact the town that I used to live in, and he met my best friend in that town and they got all Twitter pated and, oh, I love you, I love you too. And I'm like, oh, this is barring. You know, like I wanted to be adventurous, like I wanted to be traveling, I didn't want to be like sitting watching these two smooch.

Speaker 4: 9:02

So the carnival had come to town and I'd known some of them for years cause we'd gone to the carnival in that town for years, right, like, and they knew my mom because she had taken me to the carnival for years. And so I'm like, hey, I'm taking off with y'all. And then they said, well, you have to call your mom. And that was like, oh God, I've got to call my mom. And so my mom had been like this super creative, artistic personality who had gotten adopted into like a very type A science rigid household, and so she had kind of installed in me like independence 301 and radical creativity 2.7, and be yourself, you know, 7.3. And so our negotiation was I called her every Sunday to make sure you know. Let her know I'm not dead yet, and then you know she didn't send the police after me.

Speaker 1: 10:09

So was that the first time you had talked to your mom since you left home?

Speaker 4: 10:13

Yeah, which is why I was like, ooh, this is not fun.

Speaker 1: 10:18

Did she have the cops looking for you where you were supposed to be living in Iowa? I was yes, so she did call the cops. She didn't just like look and like, oh my daughter's not well. Well, she didn't send them after me.

Speaker 4: 10:31

Like once we negotiated. She did not send them after me, she did.

Speaker 1: 10:36

But like how long were you gone before you spoke? Like how many days were you away from home without your mom knowing where you were and where you disappeared to, before you talked to her?

Speaker 4: 10:46

Maybe a month.

Speaker 1: 10:48

Holy shit. So she just assumed you're dead.

Speaker 4: 10:51

Well, no, actually my mother, knowing me, assumed that I'd done something exactly like what I'd done, like I'd never done it before. Holy crap, no way she was definitely not taken by surprise.

Speaker 3: 11:05

Erin is very glad he doesn't have children right now.

Speaker 1: 11:08

Yeah, no, no, no, because I wish, if I had a child who's never tried to pull, that they wouldn't be alive Like yeah. I know, like I said, I also do not have children.

Speaker 4: 11:21

Yeah, right, I don't need to pass this genetic Well, everybody in my generation, my family.

Speaker 1: 11:27

So I was always like the almost adult that had to look after them, so like when all the adult wanted to go and have fun and stuff, they're like, oh, just leave Erin in charge. So like I look at my little sister, who's 10 years younger than me, I mean she's a grown woman. But last summer she was like all right, I'm going to go back to Europe this time, but I'm going to go by myself. I'm going to be gone for two and a half months. I'm just going to figure it out as I go. And I was like the fuck you are. And so it took a talk between me and her and we came to this agreement you get taken while you're there, I will hunt you down, I will take you back and then I will bring you to the States and kill you myself. And she was like all right, that's fair. And so like, yeah, no, I, oh, my god.

Speaker 1: 12:09

Like I remember being a kid, and telling my parents I'm not happy, I'm going to run away, and they were like, cool, I'll help you pack. And they would call my bluff. And so there were times where I would just disappear for like two hours and then realize I'm hungry and go back home.

Speaker 4: 12:21

Yeah, and I see I never threatened anything like that.

Speaker 1: 12:24

Yeah, that's, crazy Like why would I? Just diss it Like having a child that you think is probably bored at school. You know having trouble, but not out of like, oh, you're a troublemaker. You're just kind of there's nothing for you and then just going oh well, she's gone for a month, fuck it. You know she's 15 and she'll figure it out Like Jesus.

Speaker 4: 12:43

Yeah, it was. It was definitely looking back at the time it all made so much sense. Yes, I do know that feeling you know, and looking back, I'm like this is crazy, and yet for me it was the, the norm, perfect, like set of events, like again, my life has been incredibly charmed and blessed and I have done amazing things, and sometimes I even forget all the things I've done and then they come up and I'm like, oh yeah, I did that. That was so cool.

Speaker 3: 13:16

So what can you? Did you see any or remember any crazy stories from your carnival times? And? And so we're going to move on because we're clearly we could get bogged down these weeks. Yeah, one of my favorite things was.

Speaker 4: 13:28

There were two, two parts to this.

Speaker 4: 13:29

So one of it was whenever I ran the rides around the not the rides, the games whenever I ran the games I would help set up and tear down the rides and then I ran the games during the day, and whenever I would run the games I got a cut of however much you know I sold.

Speaker 4: 13:45

And so, like the boys the townies, as we called them, would like to hang around because you know 15, 16 year old girl, you know whatever. And so I got really wise really quickly and I was like, oh, you can't hang out here, my boss will get upset with me unless you're playing the game they did. And so whenever anyone would ask me out, I would say, ok, well, you have to check with Marshall first, and Marshall was kind of like my designated older brother and he would sort of like set things up, and then when the townie came to pick me up to take me on a date, he would end up being surrounded by 10, 15 carneys demanding the ID, writing down the license plate number, giving them a curfew, telling them they had to get me back on time.

Speaker 3: 14:36

You know, you better take good care of her, and I'm just like guys oh, I love that, given how you know, carneys don't have a great reputation generally. So I go reason.

Speaker 4: 14:50

Oh, ok, very good reason. There's a difference between one of us, yeah and townies. I learned a lot, a lot, a lot, about sexism and what's a good word? Well, just using people for things and manipulation and so on and so forth. Because they would get their daily money, they would go spend it on food, beer and drugs and then they would go party with the townies and then they would say awful things about those girls, pointing out but not you, you're one of us, right. So? And like I learned a lot about in-group and out-group behavior without even meaning to.

Speaker 3: 15:42

Yeah, you could probably make a killing as a cam performance artist, right, because you've learned the trick of keeping people entertained and letting them spend money on you, right?

Speaker 4: 15:53

And the challenge is, once I learned about my EDD, I kind of had like this epiphany and it was like, okay, so I'm on the sociopathic, psychopathic scale. What are my priorities? They wanted to put me on anti-psychotics and therapy like every week, right, Cause apparently I'm a danger to society. Wow. And I said no, thank you. I'd been reading a lot about brain plasticity and so I was like, okay, what are my priorities? And I said my priorities are finding connection with other humans.

Speaker 4: 16:33

And so I started really focusing in on that and I realized that it actually hinders me in some areas. Like I couldn't do camming because I care about each of those people so much that like it's hard for me to take people's money yeah, it really is. And it's like that was a boundary that I had to learn to start setting around the value that I offer, cause I was just giving away my mentoring and my answers and so on and so forth. So much I wrote in the past I don't know, maybe five years or so. I've written over a thousand blogs like all about, like you know, relationships and stuff, and I've talked to people about them and I've answered questions privately and I've mentored people for free and whatever. And I was like I need to create a life out of this. That's more, you know, works more for me.

Speaker 3: 17:33

Yeah Right, it's a two-way street and it is yes, really, really is that's good, okay. Well, I liked the fact that so boundaries became sort of something. I like that that you took something that others might have seen as oh crippling even, and turned it into one of the things that gives you the strength and, yeah, brought you and brought the world some better things.

Speaker 4: 17:54

So yeah, it's done some really amazing things for me to be what we call neurodivergent or neuro spicy.

Speaker 3: 18:03

Definitely I can. I like spicy, All right. So you did the Carney, then you started, you went to school, you're sewing, whatever. So again, how do you go from there to sex stuff?

Speaker 4: 18:14

So I had this idea of like, so I wanted to connect with people right and in my marriage, aside from the abuse and his own his mental illness, which was not known to him, but he had been diagnosed and his mother had told me about it after the fact and I was like, oh yeah, that's very helpful. Thank you so much. But I realized, like a big part of us this was my thoughts at the time was that we were not connecting intimately and I desperately craved that intimate connection. Like I wanted to have sex with my partner, I wanted to be desired by my partner, I wanted to try adventurous things with my partner. Like.

Speaker 4: 19:03

There were so many things that I felt like I was missing in a relationship that ultimately lasted 15 years of my life. So I had just turned 34 when it ended. I had been in that relationship since I was 19. Like this is a big portion of my life and a lot of it near the end. A lot of the emotional abuse was slut shaming, accusing me of cheating on him, which did not happen, and all sorts of things, and I was just like this sucks. And so I had this idea to create an app called Nookie Notes, which would be like little love notes and cards that people could send to one another and share and to help, like, kind of, keep the passion fires burning and stuff. And I got some investors and we did the things and just as it started making money they cut me out, oh damn, and I lost everything.

Speaker 3: 20:18

Oh my God, that's a whole separate story, yeah.

Speaker 4: 20:22

I didn't know how they cut you out.

Speaker 3: 20:23

That's awful, though.

Speaker 4: 20:25

So then I decided, okay, I'm gonna, I'm going to figure things out, I'm going to do other things. I got involved in various I mean I was already sort of like stepping my toes in more alternative lifestyle stuff. I've been doing that a bit. When I was younger in New York City and I started doing it more as an adult and I really enjoyed the people I was meeting and the adventure and experiences that I was having, and so I started really writing and digging into my thoughts in those areas for that community and I found a home there, you mean mostly like BDSM community versus.

Speaker 4: 21:08

Well, BDSM and nonmonogamy.

Speaker 3: 21:10

Nonmonogamy, ok yeah, sort of like Big container.

Speaker 4: 21:14

Yeah, big, big container there, Sort of anything outside the norm when it comes to love, sex and romance.

Speaker 3: 21:20

Mm-hmm Wow.

Speaker 4: 21:22

So yeah, and I just sort of stepped in and said, ok, while I'm going through all this, I'm never going to go without adventure in my life again, and this is another type of adventure. Let's see where this takes us. And I have met amazing people, I have traveled the world, I have educated, I have learned, I have just. My life is so amazingly fulfilled and full of adventure.

Speaker 3: 21:54

Oh, that sounds good.

Speaker 4: 21:56

I would not say so, like, let's be clear, I would not say I am the queen of kink. There are so many things I look at and I'm like holy fudge balls, Like I am not tall enough to ride that ride Like right. And there is a lot of things like, you know, hypnosis or behavior modification or you know, like power dynamics and like kinky fun play and stuff like that. I am totally into all of that with the right partner or partners, right, Like that's kind of.

Speaker 4: 22:31

So and also I'm with you I don't feel a lot of shame. I wasn't raised with shame. My parents like never shamed me, which is both good and bad. I was not ready for shame in my marriage, so like I had no defenses against it either. What's this Like? He must actually love me. I mean he says he loves me, so he much actually mean the best for me when he says these things right, like this is not like manipulation. What's manipulation, I don't know.

Speaker 3: 23:05

So I wonder if that's tied to that lack of empathy too. Is that lack?

Speaker 4: 23:09

of shame? Oh, definitely, that's a big part of that that's a blessing. Yeah, definitely a big part of that, but I don't have shame, like I feel like consenting adults ought to be able to do what they want to do with each other, as long as they can hurt each other, but they cannot harm each other and have it still be ethical, and that's really the container in which I live my life.

Speaker 3: 23:34

Yeah, ok, I like that. So what did you start teaching on? What was your like? How did you begin? Like I teach blowjob classes in kind of Lingus classes. Like I'm very proud of my blowjob classes to be fair. Costate pleasure classes.

Speaker 4: 23:50

Yeah, so I've written books on butt stuff but also on, like Femme Dom, on creating loving and powerful dynamics, on behavior modification. I like to call it toilet paper bondage, in the sense that behavior modification takes time and a lot of layers. So the first layer of toilet paper, you can get out of that really easily. But once you've built up all of those different layers and ways of positively and negatively reinforcing things, you can't break free. You know things like that.

Speaker 4: 24:28

I'm really into the psychological aspects of how we engage with other humans Because, of course, I'm coming at this again in group out group. I'm coming at this from an outsider's perspective. This was never natural to me, like I don't have that kind of empathy. So people who are like I've always gotten along with everybody they often take in socializing that ends up being harmful to them in the long run. Yes, me, me, me, me, me, yes. And I'm looking at that from the outside saying why isn't this working? Why does this seem so weird? Oh, let's turn this around and make it good for everybody in the equation, right, instead of only the people who feel their way through navigating this whole thing.

Speaker 3: 25:21

Wow, that's very cool. How do you think that ADHD affects? I think that perhaps ADHD is why maybe I like the BDSM is because I just need more stimulation, it helps you it helps you Right, but what have you found? How do you find the ADHD effects things?

Speaker 4: 25:41

So interesting story. So ADHD has been a part of my life. I mean, obviously I quit high school because I was bored, I couldn't focus right, Like that's huge right, Like that's super obvious. Lists have been a huge part of my life. But interesting fact, yes, I think kink I've always said kink is like the people who are looking for more out of life. We end up with a lot of neurodiversity in kinky and alternative communities because that basic life of this is how you do it, step by step doesn't fit Right, so we're looking for more. And fun fact I'd always essentially manage my ADHD through all of my entrepreneurial stuff and whatever.

Speaker 4: 26:32

But Once I hit like that you know after 30, starting to like lose the hormones and so on and so forth, my ADHD started going wild. Yes, mine is so much worse than ever. It's a part of aging, Geez. So especially for for Fembody folks or AFABs, once you start into that like perimenopause and periperi like preperimenopause, as your hormones start going down, you start losing your ability to focus. Well, and I recently, last year in December, I started a series of four surgeries over nine months. I had the BRCA1 genetic mutation, so I got my baby factory completely removed and I had a double mastectomy and reconstruction and they took out all my hormone makers and my brain started going. I couldn't work like so many things, so many things.

Speaker 4: 27:35

When I got on HRT. As a function of that, all of a sudden my brain started functioning again in the ADHD realm. Like I still have it, but not. It's not going crazy the way it was.

Speaker 3: 27:51

Yeah.

Speaker 4: 27:52

So that's huge.

Speaker 3: 27:53

Most, a large part of our audience is male and I know it's. It's just hard for them and sometimes they it. It feels like people are saying that hormonal changes. You know that that's oh, we should just be able to ignore it or overcome it, or we're just whining and stuff. But the fact is is that it does have a huge effect and my gynecologist told me that, yeah, it does. But they pretend, you know, they pretend everything is rational, which actually makes them much less rational, Because it might be.

Speaker 4: 28:24

So I agree, I agree, there's definitely, there's definitely that aspect of things.

Speaker 3: 28:28

We just let things show. You know, hang out more. But my gynecologist did tell me that the lack of estrogen in a brain actually does cause problems, because our brains are so used to having it so that helps me a lot.

Speaker 4: 28:41

That's a lot of testosterone, like it's huge yeah.

Speaker 3: 28:44

I thought I was just getting stupid and anyway, so it's a problem. So people just be kind. Yeah, we still have a lot to offer. We just offer different ways. I think so, yeah, but so then. But then, how do you think in your, when it comes to like sexy stuff, how does ADHD Like? For me it means sometimes I can say the wrong thing. I have the wrong name.

Speaker 4: 29:11

I've not had so much that issue and for me a big part of it was when I met my now partner, who I mean I call him my sun, moon and stars, like he is the most amazing human I've ever met. I really didn't want to fuck that up Like really, really. And so we talk about me being the thinker and he's the feeler and you know his love languages are, you know, words of affirmation and touch, and mine are quality time and gifts. So we, you know, we're a little different. And so, for the words of affirmation, I literally put like random reminders in my calendar to remind me, to tell him how much I appreciate him.

Speaker 4: 30:04

I love that Because otherwise my ADHD, like six weeks could go by and I wouldn't even now it's habitual. But one day I'm sitting here like just hanging out and I look over and he's sitting in a chair over there and I'm just like wow, he's really hot. So I say to him, I say hey, baby, and he says yes. I said have I told you lately how much I love you? And he looks at me like did your calendar alarm just go off? No, I don't do that anymore, like now I'm in the habit, and he's like sure.

Speaker 3: 30:40

You know, I don't even care. The fact that somebody would make that a priority by making it happen, that, I think, is huge. And so, yeah, listeners again. If you're learning anything, it's that find workarounds. It's not cheating, it's just helping. Those are totally allowed.

Speaker 1: 31:00

Well, just from a guy's perspective. Even if you're like, if you're leveling their guys, we'll probably go oh, my lovely, he doesn't that. Or they will take the little test quiz and it doesn't come out as that. As a guy, we get complimented so infrequently once we hit adulthood, right, that any, any relationship and whether, whether you know, married, dating, whatever If you look at your guy and you pay him a compliment, even what? Yeah, once a week Maybe, like I was reading, you know. So I read it recently and a woman posted that guys, what do you think got? What do you think women should know that they don't about just guys in general. And so everything was, you know, taken with a grain of salt because I don't speak for all men. But one guy point pointed out we'll still remember a compliment for 20 years ago and when we think about it it'll make a smile. And I started thinking about that. I was like, holy shit, yeah, anytime I've gotten a compliment, it's stick. It sticks with me because they're for guys. They're few and far between Very good.

Speaker 1: 31:59

So, having that from the female perspective, having that ability, even if that's not your partner's love language, to just every once in a while. Hey, your ass looks good in those jeans. Hey, do it good with your hair, with your hair gelled or, you know, with those glasses on, whatever.

Speaker 3: 32:16

Right, it just has to be small affirmations for them. Right and again the Gottmans, to have done more research into relationships and marriages and stuff. They say you need five positive, five positive interactions for every one negative for a healthy, happy, lasting relationship. So I have thoughts on that. Yeah, go ahead, go for it Go ahead. Yeah, we're going to have two thoughts actually Episode in a little bit, but let's, yeah, throw it out there.

Speaker 4: 32:43

The first one. The first thought is I firm. So my ex husband. He believed and I think there's a lot of people out there that believe this that every time you give a compliment, especially to a partner, you're giving away some of your power. And I believe it's the opposite. Yes, I believe the more you can make someone feel good, the more powerful your relationship is. So there's that, yeah.

Speaker 3: 33:07

I'd say it's also go ahead. If you're insecure, you don't compliment others. That is true the more confident you are, the more able and willing and generous you are with your compliments.

Speaker 4: 33:18

Yes, 100% that's. It's so freeing and authentic to be able to say something when you mean it, right, like you just look at somebody you're like I am, like I mean I can just say to the two of you right now I am really enjoying this conversation. So, like this is fun, right, like this is just, this is a good time, thank you so much. 5 to 1. I've heard that and I know where they're coming from and I get it, because they also said that if it's more than 13 positive to 1, then people start feeling like this can't be real, there's got to be a catch somewhere or whatever. But I have problems with that, like serious issues with that. Really, why? Because for me I think about, okay, positive to negative interactions. If you say 13 to 1, let's just say let's take the most that they say you can do and let's just break that out into days. So for 13 days you have positive interactions and then one day every two weeks you're cranking at each other. Like to me that doesn't seem like enough.

Speaker 3: 34:33

I don't think. I think they're talking about even the smallest interactions, which could be Absolutely so. It's more on a daily basis.

Speaker 4: 34:44

I'm thinking like okay, so my partner and I have hundreds of positive interactions, to every tiny misunderstanding or crank or whatever. I mean like there are months that go by that we are constantly in love and complimenting each other and having each other on the bottom and whatever. And in there we might have two or three like where did you put my keys? Or you know, hey, could you load the dishwasher because I cooked less, or whatever. And we argue maybe twice a year that's awesome.

Speaker 4: 35:25

Like so and I'm like, I just feel like people are like well, I just want a relationship where the positive outweighs the negative and I'm like by how much like let's really think about what's possible and look at like how we develop our relationships to focus in on making the best possible lives for ourselves and each other. So, yeah, and I believe, I believe that they are doing good work, because I think a lot of people have a problem with even getting five positive interactions for every. You know, controlling interaction or there's a lot of like if you look at sitcoms, like they're always poking at each other in like really kind of negative ways, and then there's the laugh track.

Speaker 3: 36:12

Oh, I know.

Speaker 4: 36:13

And we've been socialized so ineffectively for things like that.

Speaker 3: 36:18

Yeah, and I think that what happens I mean, I think what you and your partner have is beautiful and, yes, everybody. I mean it'd be great if everybody could have that. But I think what happens so often and what I was thinking that they were also referring to was that when that a little bit of apathy sets in where people are interacting on a daily basis, but maybe it's not even positive or negative, it's just like neutral, it's just like flat.

Speaker 4: 36:46

And neutral is like? What does it? Anthony Robin says if you're not growing, you're dying. Yeah to me it's purely neutral, is not positive, right, yeah, and I think that this is part of the issue because we like, we say apathy is okay, right, like you've everybody's got life. But is it okay Like, is that how you want to like? Is that your goal? I want to live my life so that life can definitely bust in and fudge up our you know things. We can totally, you know, just be roommates, right.

Speaker 3: 37:24

While our relationship doesn't matter.

Speaker 4: 37:26

Yeah, right, like I'm, so I believe that a successful relationship is to people who get far more out of the relationship than they put in. So, like, the things that I do are easy for me to tell him, like how amazing he is, and they fill him up to a greater percentage than the effort it took me to say that, and vice versa, right, so that we can consistently feel each other to overflowing because life is going to drain us.

Speaker 3: 37:58

Yeah, it's the sum is greater than the individual. I forgot whatever that quote is, but yeah some is greater than the parts.

Speaker 4: 38:06

Yeah, right.

Speaker 3: 38:08

I think that definitely that is. We should be better. We should be better because of our relationships, not neutral, not worse, not less confident, more confident and if a relationship is treading water.

Speaker 4: 38:20

As soon as life hits you, it's going to go into the negative. So you have to consistently focus in on how do we build positivity together, because when that hits the negative and you've got two people you're trying to keep afloat while you're cranking at each other. That is hard.

Speaker 3: 38:36

Yeah, I think that's very true, very true, okay. Well, listen, we're going to have to wrap up this episode, so much more, but I'm dying to hear more about your book. Well, we didn't even really touch on that, so we're going to talk about your book. Take no shit, but before we go today, will you tell people where they can find you, where you want them to track you down and learn all about you and find your book?

Speaker 4: 39:01

Right now, everything is at mycuriouserlife. You can find links to our socials there. You can find videos. You can find links to the book to purchase. You can find links to my workshop. You can find links to my coaching. You can find links to podcasts like this when they come out and you know, see me talking about this from like a bazillion different perspectives.

Speaker 3: 39:25

I love that. Okay, and if you're, yeah, these will be in the show notes and if you're watching, then you can see it on our video. Erin's put it up there. Thank you very much. So again, all right, heather, and I said Klaus, I don't know, I like I gave it a very German, but is it more like claws, like just Santa Claus, or is it?

Speaker 4: 39:43

It's just like claws. However, you know like it used to be Klaus, and then we moved over to America and you know, okay, okay, I don't know where. So anyway.

Speaker 3: 39:52

So, heather Claus, ms Heather Claus, also known as Nookie, which I love, and so thank you so much for being with us today. This is really interesting. I just I love your journey and can't wait. We'll talk more about everything else in the next episode. So, everybody, come, come back, come with us all the time, come, come, come, come, come. Always. Right, Just so much coming, so much coming, all right. Well, thank you, thank you everyone for joining us, for come with this podcast where you get the bear naked truth about love, sex and relationships, and even the Carnival, the Cugs and Love. We'll see you next week. Bye, thanks for listening to the come with us podcast.

Speaker 2: 40:33

Be sure to follow us on social media at come with us podcast and send in your questions, comments and confessions to come with us. Confessions at gmailcom. Until next time, keep it fun, flirty and naughty.